Tangled Guts/My Head Hurts

Sitting,

Thinking,

Sick to my stomach.

Anxiety brands the wall of my chest,

Molten metal drips down into my stomach

Mixing with bile.

Berating,

Criticizing,

Lungs constrict

Air becoming a lead blanket,

Encasing me and securing me in place

Watching it slip away.

Stumbling,

Crumbling, 

Icepick to the skull

letting all the fog in

And all the eloquence out.

Building tension.

The tension that makes me want

to break my breast plate

reach into the gaping cavity

grab my rapidly beating heart

And throw it against the wall

The tension that makes me want

To inflate by lungs,

Yank my ribs until they overexpand 

And pop like a cheap balloon

Pushed to the brink

The tension that makes me want

Crack open my skull to release the pressure

Gray and slimy peekaboos of brain

Leaking down my neck and matting in my hair

Everything now exposed to the elements

The tension that makes me want

To disappear so badly it paralyzes me.

It rearranges my guts,

Tangled like a cat's cradle.

And throbs in my mind

Like an endlessly sustained brain freeze.

The worst part is knowing the solution

Is being dangled in front of me 

like a carrot on a stick

Taunting me that I can do it again,

Why aren’t I doing it again?

I just want to lay down.